Sam's Visit
by myguyssamanddean
Summary: Sam visits Jessica's grave after he's gone back to hunting, and again sometime later.  Part 3 is when Dean goes to visit Jessica's grave, but I decided to include it with Sam's visits.  Please comment.
1. Chapter 1

As Sam walked he could feel the warmth of the sun on his skin. He turned his face up toward the sun, letting its rays fall down upon him. He hadn't seen much daylight lately. The gentle heat felt good.

The breeze was strong enough to play with his hair, which was longer than it used to be. The passage of air brushed against his long eyelashes, causing him to blink.

He continued on until he found where he needed to be. He knelt down in the dewy grass, the dampness finding its way to his skin through a hole in his jeans. He barely noticed. His mind was elsewhere.

His fingers touched the cold stone. They brushed away some dust, making Jessica's face clearer. He mournfully traced Jessica's face as he tried to remember every detail.

Sam's chest tightened up and he actually felt his heart break. It was a burning pain in the middle of his chest. Someday Sam might get used to the pain, but he'd never get used to how Jessica was taken from him or why.

His words felt clumsy as he tried to explain his life to the face of the beautiful girl staring back at him from the stone. He couldn't make the words fit together.

Hot tears slid down his face as he spoke. He wiped them away quickly with his callused hand, remembering a time when he was a student with soft hands instead of the rough ones of a hunter. So much had changed since Jessica's death.

His throat tightened up as he fought sobs. He choked them down for as long as he could. Then, the sobs won over. His body jerked as the sobs came loose. Everything he'd bottled up came out. He kept one hand on Jessica's headstone trying to steady himself.

Dean's hand was a comforting weight on his shoulder. Dean waited silently until Sam's sobs subsided. Then, he wordlessly helped his brother to his feet. He put an arm around him and led him back to the Impala.


	2. Chapter 2

It was autumn and the leaves crunched under Sam's feet. They'd been hunting in California and when Sam asked Dean to bring him to see Jessica, Dean just nodded. He didn't ask why because he knew what Sam had gone though after her death. If visiting a cemetery was going to make Sam feel better, Dean would take him there. Although he didn't understand the compulsion to visit a slab of granite, he'd do anything to take care of Sam.

The breeze had a chill to it and Sam zipped up his jacket. He'd asked Dean to wait in the car for him, but he'd heard the Impala's door slam. Dean was probably leaning against the car keeping a eye on Sam. He knew Dean would stay by the car out of respect for Sam. Dean would grant him the privacy that their lives rarely afforded. As much as Dean would like to be reassured that he knew all about what had happened with Jessica, that Sam wasn't keeping secrets anymore, it was more important to him to be supportive of Sam. He knew Sam kept some memories close to his heart and didn't share them. He trusted Sam to know which ones were imperative that he share.

With his hands stuffed in his pockets, he made his way on the familiar path that he had traveled so many times in his dreams since they got to California. Sam had known he had to come. It had been like Jessica was softly calling to him.

Sam bent to pick the leaves off her headstone. Her face smiling back at him looked as it always had. It was something that would never change, even as he grew older. She was still his Jessica, frozen in time.

"Hey, Jess," his voice was cracking. "I miss you. If you've been watching me from heaven, like I hope you are, I'll bet you're very confused." Sam's face screwed up as he tried to think of a way to explain his life. "I never told you about hunting because I wanted to keep you safe. I also wanted you to keep loving me, so I guess that's another reason right there. Sometimes I wonder, if you had known the truth about me and my past, would you still have loved me the way you did? Would it have sent you running in the other direction? I have nightmares sometimes about you finding out about hunting and leaving me. Not like when you died and didn't have a choice. You'd heard about my past and decided to leave me. I wake up with tears on my cheeks and a sob caught in my throat. Dean's great about it. I know he notices, but he never brings it up.

I was always faithful to you. The thought of straying never crossed my mind. My life was so complete with you. It was more than I could have ever asked for. But, I met someone in San Francisco named Madison. She was smart and funny and, well, I spent the night with her. She's the only one since you've been gone, I swear.

I didn't want you to think that you were any less important to me or that your memory had started to fade. I had a connection with her and I think I could have loved her. She was a werewolf and I had to save her by killing her. I couldn't let her live, tortured by the thought of what she might do, just so that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I miss her, too. She never took your place, she had her own. You both left holes in my heart, even though the voids are different, not the same."

Sam paused a minute as he got lost in thought. "Shooting someone you think you could love, that has to be one of the most twisted realities that I've had to live with. I've always argued gray areas of hunting while Dean has seen them more as black and white. My gray area got all screwed up when emotions got involved. Dean just gets to a gray area when he gets emotional. He'd never admit that emotions affected hunting, but I've seen them. He gets to the point where he sees a little gray and I fall headlong deeper into the gray when we allow ourselves to feel. We're just built a little different that way, I guess.

I'm sorry that I never told you about the dreams I had of your death, Jess. I wanted to be normal. I couldn't admit to myself that they could be anything more than just nightmares. I never would have kept them secret if I had known . . . I would have found a way to tell you, even if it meant that you might leave me. I never thought . . . I just wanted . . ." Sam could feel his chest tightening up and his heart pounding. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. The tears were freely flowing but at least the lump in his throat eased a bit.

Sam heard someone walking towards him and knew without looking that it was Dean. He wouldn't come close enough to hear Sam's voice, but he wanted to be close if Sam needed him.

Sam wiped at his tears, "I will always love you. But, I also need to live, and I think you understand that. Being with Madison, I didn't feel like I was cheating on you. Still, I was scared that you might think so. I think you'd want me to be happy, so I am adding that to my list in addition to just living.

You made my life wonderful. It's tragic that we ended so soon. The way you died was absolutely awful. I can only hope that you didn't feel pain. I'd seen fear in your eyes, and I wish I could take that feeling away. I never meant for you to feel anything but safe and loved.

Well, I have to get going. I spend most of time seeing America through a windshield. It's not for everyone, but I like it. I love you and miss you, Jess. I'll never forget you."

Sam turned and started to make his way to the car, wiping his face on his sleeve. Dean put his hand on Sam's shoulder as he walked back with him. Dean didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. Just the fact that he was there with his hand on Sam's shoulder was comforting. Since Dean couldn't just take the pain away, it was all that he could do.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean's boots seemed heavy as he made his way, but it was nowhere near how heavy his heart was. He felt so guilty, he'd had to come.

He found the spot and looked down at the stone.

"I'm only here for Sammy," his voice was shaky as he spoke. "I know he feels better after visiting you. I don't believe in all of this, but, well, I'll do anything for Sammy.

He was my little brother long before he was your boyfriend. He was a mess after you died. I didn't know if I could pull him out of it, but I did.

I've loved being his big brother. But I screwed up and that's why I'm here.

I let Sam die, Jess. He died in my arms. He was dead for three days. I don't know if you got to see him in heaven or wherever we go from here. He doesn't recall anything about those three days. I didn't know if you and Sam got to live out some of your dreams before I called him back to my world.

He's my little brother and I could not face living without him. I made a deal with a Crossroads Demon to get him back. All I wanted was to get him back. I didn't care about the cost.

Sam's dong his best to find a way to keep the Crossroads Demon from dragging me to hell when my year is up. Thing is, the search isn't going very well. I'll be going to hell and leaving Sammy here alone. I'm terrified of going to hell, even though I assure Sam that have accepted it and that I'd do anything to keep him safe. Truth is, I'm even more scared of leaving Sammy alone.

He had me to help him dig himself out of the depression he fell into after you passed. I obviously won't be there to help him after I pass. I've tried to surround him with our friends who wouldn't even need to be asked to help him. They love him that much. But, he doesn't have the special, close relationship with them that he had with me and you.

Sam told me once that he prays everyday. I'm trying to accept his beliefs as my own. If Sam is right, you're in heaven and you can look down here and see him. I don't know how much you can do besides look. That's where I need your help.

If you see Sam struggling, and I hate that I am putting him though this, but if you do, can you send someone to him? Can you reach him through a dream to encourage him to go on? Can you make one of our friends think of him when he's down and seek him out so that he isn't alone? Can you fill his dreams with good memories instead of the ones he'll have of me being taken?"

Dean hadn't realized he was crying until he saw the drops on Jess's headstone and looked up to see a cloudless California sky. He hastily brushed them away, determined to finish what he'd come to say.

"Bobby lives at the scrap yard and it's as close as we've come to having a home. I don't know if he ever told you about Bobby. Probably not, since he didn't want to share hunting with you. Anyhow, I think Bobby would be the best one to get through to Sam. Our Mom died long ago. Our Dad and Pastor Jim are gone now, too. Ellen might be able to help. She has a good heart and motherly vibe to her. She put me in my place a time or two, and she's not a person for nonsense, but she's been warm to Sam. Those are the best people to help Sam after I'm gone.

He still misses you, by the way. We've met some girls along the way with our travels. A couple were sweet on Sam, but Madison is the only one Sam had feelings for. She'd have been a good resource, no offense to you, but she'd dead now, too.

I don't know if Sam will come here after I'm taken. I hope that he will reach out, but you know our Sammy. He tends to hold feeling inside. If you could somehow see into his heart, see what's going on with him, and somehow make it right, he could get over losing me and heal. I've tried to encourage him to get back into normal life when I'm gone. He should go back to college and law school. He should meet a nice girl and have a family. I know that is what he wants. But, in this twisted world we grew up in, he thinks he needs to keep hunting. There are other hunters who can take care of the evil out there. I want Sammy safe and happy. I think you want that, too.

Well, I guess I don't know what I expected to accomplish coming here. I just wanted to ask for your help, if you are able to. I also want to say I'm sorry for taking Sam away from you that weekend. I wonder how different it would be if I hadn't asked him to come with. I'm sorry for the fear and pain you felt, not being able to understand what was happening. It is the same way that our Mom died, and my Dad couldn't save her."

Dean looked off at the scenery, the trees against the blue sky.

"I suppose that is all I came to say. Please help Sammy any way you can. After everything that has changed in his life, he's still the same Sammy."

Dean turned and felt a little lighter as he made his way back to the Impala. He hoped against hope that Sam would find a way out of the mess Dean had gotten himself into. Realistically, he needed to prepare Sammy to be able to live without him, if there was a way to teach someone that.


	4. Chapter 4

"Dean! Where the hell ya been?" Bobby was angry.

"Don't ask," Dean got out of the Impala and that's when Bobby noticed something was wrong. Dean caught Bobby staring and growled, "'I've had a bad mudder fukin day. Two flat tires. Who gets two flat tires?"

Bobby shrugged, no longer angry. "So why'd ya call me to meet ya here?"

"Know anything about that house?" Dean pointed to one far back from the road.

"It's been abandoned for as long as I can remember. Why?"

"Heard there might be a spirit haunting it, but couldn't find any proof when I looked. Witness account was shaky. With it being in your neck of the woods, figured you would know."

"I think I'd know," Bobby replied. "Who was the witness?"

"Belinda something. She lives in town."

"Belinda? Little younger than me, kinda round?"

"Yeah. Know her?"

"You drug me out here for something she told you? She's not all there, Dean. Couldn't ya tell?"

"Some folks say we're not all there, Bobby."

"We're a hell of alot closer than Belinda is. Should I follow you back to the scrap yard in case you get another flat?"

"Don't you even joke about it," Dean commented as he closed the car door.

Bobby chuckled. If anyone would get two flats, it would have to be Dean.


End file.
